The Importance of Being Dad

How can I write a blog this month without mentioning the current series on Channel 4, 'One Born Every Minute'?

I missed the bulk of the first two, as my internet connection is so slow, but after watching the 3^rd I'm grateful to Talk Talk for sparing me the ignominy of some of the husbands that I watched as they 'supported' their wives giving birth.

Watching the 3^rd episode of this programme, I watched aghast as a husband bullied his wife while she was in labour. She was squatting on the floor, while he berated her for wanting a natural birth over a section (she was a VBAC – Vaginal Birth Following Caesarean) and he wanted to know what she was going to do as he didn't want to be there all night. Not to mention the dad who locked his wife in the toilet while she was having a contraction.

It really was a sight to behold and my heart goes out to both the mum and the midwife, Dominique, who was fantastic, calm and encouraging in the face of a real challenge. That the mum achieved a VBAC was I think down to her and the fact that she was caseloading midwife (the same midwife that followed the mother through antenatal care and the birth), giving the mum a sense of stability and familiarity.

However, despite me wanting to the throw my remote control at that dad, I also felt sorry for him, as his reaction to the situation was likely to have been driven by helplessness, fear and lack of knowledge.

My only experience of dads to be and birthing partners are those who choose to come on the course - those that want to understand what is happening so they can respectfully and knowledgeably support their partner. But who also realise that the opportunity to find more is out there, that there are classes that help him to understand what is happening and what he can do to help.

Last year, Michel Odent, a French Obstetrician renowned for his work on normal birth, wrote a provocative article where he categorically stated that men should not be in the birthing room. Lots of debate ensued online, with people agreeing or vehemently opposed- we sit somewhere in the middle and believe that men should be there, but only, if they want to be there and if they are free of anxiety and fear. Let's face it, we've done a 360° turn in the last 40 years, from men down the pub or outside awaiting the news, to being absolutely expected to be in the birthing room – that's a big shift and a big ask of men, who are excluded from the majority of antenatal care, with at the most access to an NHS or NCT class.

So it's no surprise that some men who feel in the dark and disassociated from the pregnancy, and the birth suddenly find themselves into the uniquely intense experience of the birth itself without really knowing how to help. In fact many men on our classes say that the lack of knowledge or understanding of what is going on is what worries them as well as “seeing their partner in pain, and not being able to do anything about it.”

We turn this statement totally on its head in our classes, and teach the dad to be that he too has an important role, more than he might ever imagine, and that the birth can be empowering, and life changing for him as well. We also give them knowledge and techniques to support mum so he does know what to do.

We address the issue of fear in the birthing partner and enable couples to see that fear and anxiety are contagious. If dad is pacing up and down, biting his nails, or is restless it demonstrates to the mum that he is outwardly anxious, but there are also small ideomotor signals, small unconscious movements and gestures, driven by the subconscious, that the birthing mother can pick up subconsciously which can effect her birth.

We help the dad to make positive shifts in his confidence and belief that his wife or partner knows what to do instinctively and that she doesn't need rescuing from the situation. Most importantly he knows what is happening, why is is happening and what to do about it.

Remember always that at the birth, it's not just a baby being born, but a mother and a father too. Come on dads, do your bit, learn how to support your partner, and give her a strong shoulder to lean on physically and spiritually during birth and perhaps you'll find hidden depths that you never knew you had.

So Who's the Professional Here?

This months blog is courtesy of one of my recent clients, a couple were constantly coming up with great ideas to support the birth that they wanted. Thanks for letting me use this for the blog!

We have talked a lot about the law of attraction and the importance of a women trusting in her instincts about how and where she wants to birth. In one of their sessions, this mum to be mentioned that she had been fending off comments from colleagues at work who questioned her choices about the homebirth she wished to have by telling her "you need to be where it's safe", "in a hospital surrounded by professionals." She turned to them and said" But I am a professional"!

Brilliant. And of course she's right. Women are 100% qualified for the job of giving birth! A woman giving birth, can tune into her body, is able to instinctively move to help her baby's journey and will often know what she or the baby needs. Just listening to that inner voice, the subconscious, allows the mother to let go consciously and for instinct to take over.

Control is often an issue that come up in classes when we talk about letting go, but it's not about losing control. There is no doubt that people come to our classes because they want to feel in control, it's obvious to us that there is a real issue around losing control, whether it's the birthing mother thinking that she will lose control of herself or either the mother or her partner's fear of losing control to medical teams over the course of the birth.

This is interesting to us, because it demonstrates the sense of threat that is triggered by the instinctive need to be in control, to be alert, armed and aware. This threat is actually the one thing that really can inhibit the process of birth as it keeps the conscious mind, engaged and alert when really it should be slumbering. It's also a response that is triggered by the need to protect the baby and suggests "If I am not in control of the situation how can I protect my baby".

What our classes teach you is how to become more consciously aware of what those threats are prior to the birth and to build the confidence of you and your birthing partner. They also teach that control is paradoxically about allowing yourself to let go. Every woman in the birthing room chooses whether she can give herself over the birthing body, but when she does give herself over to the birthing body, who is in control? Yes, she is of course!

Trusting that the subconscious contains everything you need to birth gently, and that the conscious mind, the logical mind, has been allowed to just drift off for a while is about feeling secure in your knowledge of the birth process and the belief that you know how to birth.

Remember, every woman births differently and you are the absolute professional when it comes to your birth!

Peace on Earth Begins with Birth

"When I was pregnant, I knew I trusted nature’s way, and that I didn’t want drugs or intervention. Our classes are designed to help you if you feel the same way. However, myself and a lot of “my” mums do accept Syntometrine – the injection that comes after baby is born to help the placenta come out nice and quickly. After your baby has been born, you’re on such a high and relieved, that you don’t care. And I remember thinking “well, baby isn’t getting any of it, so what the heck”.

When people ask my advice about taking Syntometrine, I usually sit on the fence, because there isn’t the research out there to support any views that I might have on it. Until now. There was one time however, when a mum looked at me just after she had had her baby, and said “shall I just have it?” I said “you have done so amazingly, doing this completely naturally, do you really want a drug now?” in a kind of “are you crazy” tone of voice. She declined. I surprised myself – I don’t usually throw my opinion on my clients. I guide and help them make their own decision. But I knew this woman – she had worked so hard, with such grace and determination, that I simply knew it wasn’t the right choice for her.

In class, I sometimes say that if you have birthed your baby completely naturally, why not go the whole hog, and stay natural? I also sometimes say that IN THEORY it could affect your oxytocin levels – but there is no research out there to support that. Until now.

Research has now come out of the Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology to suggest that Syntometrine might impact on breastfeeding rates 48 hours after birth. This makes so much sense. If you inject synthetic oxytocin into your system, your brain registers its presence, and tones down the amount that it generates naturally. As you know if you have come to our classes, natural oxytocin is the love hormone – important for bonding and breastfeeding. Synthetic oxytocin doesn’t cross the blood brain barrier, and so all it does is help the uterus clamp down.

So, as time goes on, and as research monies are used to assess nature over intervention, it seems to me that nature wins every single time. Nature really is amazing. So what I don’t get, as a psychologist, is why almost every culture intervenes? What is that about? Why have we got such a determination as a culture to get in there and make a mess of what nature does so beautifully? Are there any benefits of this, that have evolved over time? Michel Odent is the only person I know to even ask this (apart from some feminists maybe) and he has a fascinating suggestion. He argues that interrupting the process of birth creates a more aggressive society. You “imprint” individuation and aggression on the brain, in place of trust, cohesion and love. So, the cultures which interrupt nature’s way on a regular basis, create better human machines for ambition, drive and warfare. Cultures which don’t interrupt nature’s way create cohesive, loving, trusting groups that may get overturned like dodos did. My children are studying vikings at school. I would love to know how the Vikings birthed their children. One day, I might get time to find out more about it! In the meantime, have a wonderful, peaceful Christmas, knowing that we can trust nature to keep us all peaceful and loving!

Take a look: www.mindfulmamma.co.uk

Facebook page: http://tinyurl.com/mindfulmamma

The cyle of life and normal birth

Last Friday, Sophie and I met with a group of midwives once again to spend a day teaching and talking about normal birth (which is midwife lingo for natural birth). What exactly counts as a natural birth varies a great deal.

Here at Mindful Mamma we like to consider it as a vaginal, drug free, no intervention birth, and most of our parents come to classes wanting exactly that. We asked the midwives how many of their clients have a natural birth, using our criteria. They said they had no idea – but less than 10%, if not closer to 3%.

They don’t often see that, even though they work on a normal birth unit, with very good outcome statistics. Sophie and I were surprised, because we hear about it all the time in the feedback we get from the couples who do our classes and I see it all the time in my work as a doula. However, the point is that we are all aiming for the same things, and it is lovely that the changes which Mindful Mamma would like to see in childbirth (less intervention, more empowered parents) are the same as those which midwives in the NHS want to see, and, of course, what you – the couples on our classes want to see too.

Most of you come to our classes needing to release your fears around birth, and to learn to trust the whole process. Some of you come to class needing to release your fears around birthing within the NHS, and learn to trust the procedures and trust the staff. It’s lovely that in our work, we can increasingly help you to release your fears about birthing within the NHS, because there are indeed, a lot of fabulous midwives out there, who are working within a system which increasingly enables and supports you in your choice of a normal, natural, birth.

While we mourn the losses and endings with our silences and poppies on Remembrance Sunday, it is nice to give thanks to our country for helping with the beginnings, focussing on helping babies to be born as nature intended, finally, after over 500 years.

The truth about hypnosis...

I was watching my two boys playing this morning, when I heard one of them shout to the other, I’m hypnotizing you” and the other cry out “aggghhhh you villain” while strutting around like a robot under Machiavellian control. My children are 4 and 5 with little or no understanding of what I do for a living.

If they really believed I was a hypnotherapist and did hypnotize people for a living I’m sure not quite sure what it would do for their toddler psyches!

But where did they pick up the suggestion that hypnosis is evil, controlling and downright villainous? You’ve guessed it – the television. They don’t watch a lot, but it’s been a long holiday and and my eldest has recently graduated from Cebeebies to CITV and CBBC. Which means instead of Noddy, he gets Scooby Doo, Pokemon and Storm Hawks.

Watching a few of them with him I realized that the myth of hypnosis as a controlling force to be reckoned with was omnipresent in these cartoons. In Pokemon there is actually a move called Hypnosis with rules attached. Far too complicated for me to make any sense of but enough to know that there is actually a Pokemon called hypnos.

Evil hypnotists abound in Scooby Doo, here is a clip in which Daphne been hypnotized by an evil clown with a medallion.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0pKFLLzMDY

I wonder if the script writer had challenged himself to shoe in as many references to evil stereotypes as possible in one sketch – and of course the fact he chose the poor vulnerable Daphne deepens the impact.

Sarah Jane Adventures, the Junior version of Dr Who, recently had an episode where an entire school of children were hypnotized by looking at a band.

All of them without fail have the villain controlling the heroic characters. Ultimately the heroes always manage to break out of their trance, usually using distraction (a hypnotherapy technique for things such as pain management) to defeat the evil forces that threaten civilization as we know it.

So I have spent the rest of the time trying to subtly teach my children that hypnosis is actually a good thing, that it can’t control you and that in fact mummy goes to work and hypnotizes people every week. But sadly I’m no match for the hypnotic charms of Scooby Doo and the television.

And that’s the rub of it, watching television is a hypnotic act, so when, as children, we have watched programmes which incorporate evil hypnotists, we are at our most vulnerable at receiving messages. Children are still building up their belief systems and so anything they learn, especially one that has a consistent message, has even greater impact. Those messages which seem so benign and humorous are actually compounded and are being carrying forward as myths into adulthood.

Nearly every client I see that has come along because a friend has recommended it, knows that their friend talks sense and perhaps has seen the positive effect of hypnosis first hand, but still harbours the underlying apprehension that comes from watching or hearing these myths about hypnosis.

I see crossed arms and legs, people turning away from me in the chair – unable to look me in the eye. Comments such as “this is the last resort”, or “are you going to make me cluck like a chicken” are all things that I hear regularly. If I jest and say “it’s fine, I don’t have a medallion or anything like that”, I can see them instantly begin to relax in their chair.

Most clients are total converts after they experience it, comforted by the fact that they could open their eyes at any stage and the deep sense of relaxation following a session. Nearly all say they could stay there and just go to sleep.

But there is always someone who seems vaguely disappointed that I can’t make them cluck like a chicken, or make love to a broom….

Can a man comment on birth?

Men and Birth. What really matters?

I was having a cup of tea and chat with my friend and neighbour last week, when he asked if I had read the piece on Sunday about drug free birth. I said "yes, I had", in a rather tired way! To be honest, some of the debate it had stirred up had irritated me somewhat. Basically, Denis Walsh had been quoted as saying that natural, drug free childbirth has distinct advantages over epidural deliveries.

A lot of the responses (including my neighbour's) was that Denis Walsh has no right to comment on women's experiences. Apparently, it is a woman's domain, and men aren't qualified to comment. So how come they are qualified to intervene, into delicate womanly parts with needles, tongs, machines, and all sorts of other paraphernalia. We don't question that! Is that because they are "rescuing" women from the drama and pain of this cursed condition called childbirth?

I don't know, but I totally support what Denis apparently said in the media. I am guessing that he was more likely to be quoted because he is a man, but ironically, then shouted down because he is a man. While birthing is most certainly a feminist issue - it is not whether you are a man or a woman that makes a difference - it is what your culture is saying about it that makes it a gender issue.

Both men and women can believe that childbirth is something we should feel slightly uneasy or disgusted about, very fearful about, that we should work to numb the experience as far as possible, and that it is yet another example of how a woman's body basically lets her down! (along with hormones, periods, breastfeeding and the menopause). She cannot birth without extreme pain or danger of death.

On the flip side, both men and women can believe that childbirth is something we should celebrate and admire, be proud of and in awe of. Isn't the ability to create a perfect new life something quite amazing? Shouldn't women be empowered and revered for that? And it doesn't stop there. As well as bring forth new life, women can sustain it, with their ability to produce life-sustaining milk, which is in fact perfect nutrition, comfort, medicine, vitamins, in a way which nothing else can!

If we were to adopt the latter viewpoint in our society, this might sit slightly uncomfortably for some people. I have had a few fathers in our classes come to me after and say "do you know what? It almost makes me feel a little like I'm missing out". To be able to celebrate womanhood and the wonder of birthing with due respect and admiration, rather than pity and mistrust, is, I believe, not easy for men or women in our society.

So, to be a man who can celebrate and see the wonder of being a birthing woman, in my eyes, makes him all the more worth listening to, not less. Hooray for Denis. He is not the only one of course - there are some great advocates out there - male and female. Michel Odent - my personal favourite, Ina Mae Gaskin, Sarah J Buckley to name a few. So, to summarise my reaction to the media coverage and reactions, I could write a long essay about the relevance of breaking a leg and needing anaesthesia, and the advantages of drug free birth etc, or i could just express my irritation with a quick comment that to chastise some body's professional opinion because he is a man is daft. Stop it!

Mia and Sophie
Hypnobirthing Practitioners

BA Hons, MSc Clin Psych, C.Psych, BABCP

Tel: 0845 508 2539

Email: info@mindfulmamma.co.uk
www.mindfulmamma.co.uk

---

Click here to unsubscribe from the newsletter.

No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 8.5.392 / Virus Database: 270.13.42/2278 - Release Date: 08/05/09 05:57:00

Birth but not as well know it....

On Friday as I was leaving for work, I explained to my 5 year old that I was running a day teaching women how to give birth.

His reply was “well that's easy isn't it, you just need to relax.” Pleasantly surprised that all my work on birth had begun to see the growth of positive thoughts about birth, I smiled and said “yes that's right”. He continued, “you see I saw it on Scooby doo, and when the chicken relaxed the egg popped out. Easy.”

So not all my conditioning! But his response was interesting, it demonstrated how early our thoughts around the birth process are conditioned from a very young age. At Mindful Mamma we teach all our clients how important it is to relax and prepare, and of course when you are relaxed and prepared it can be great if you have no underlying fears or apprehensions surrounding birth.

However a large piece of research from Sweden recently showed that preparing with psychoprophilaxis (relaxation techniques) compared to those who hadn't showed no difference at all in outcomes.

This is hugely important for us hypnotherapists as we know that any underlying fears, whether it is of hospitals or needles, or simply that the mother feels threatened within her birth environment, can trigger the fight or flight response, which feeds into what is known as the fear-tension-pain cycle. As far as we know only preparing using hypnosis, particularly work around fear release, can break this cycle if there are any underlying apprehensions about birth.

Sadly in today's society we are conditioned to believe that birth is painful, that it's a medical process and that it can be dangerous from a very young age. I challenge you to find a birth in a film or a TV show that is not dramatic and fear inducing! We are not taught about how beautiful it is, how amazing our bodies are at adapting to birth physically, how the baby helps itself be born, and that actually the sensations and intensity you feel during birth are manageable. When you are free of fear, relaxed and calm your body does what it does naturally.

Imagine an animal in the wild giving birth, if she senses any threat, however small, she will automatically slow labour down. We are exactly the same, when giving birth our primal brain is bought into play, and we react as animals do. We need to disengage the chattering mind to just allow the birth to happen as other mammals do..

We set up the Mindful Mamma one day class to explore this and to teach couples to prepare for the birth they want, to learn they have choice, and to help dads understand how important their role and composure during birth is. In classes you can learn how to release your fear of birth, using hypnosis, to break the cycle of fear, even if it is subconscious, and then visualizations, self-hypnosis and mindfulness to keep mums in their birthing zone.

We have even taught midwives how the impact of their voice, gestures, presence can affect mum psychologically and physically. Amazing stuff!

More and more women are becoming aware of their potential to experience the birth they want, to feel empowered and in control. If you have any pregnant friends, pass this on – it may just get them thinking.

You can download birth MP3s or buy CDs from www.mindfulmamma.co.uk. All CDs are refundable when you book a class. Classes start at just £99 and are held between Newark and Grantham off the A1, in Nottingham, Leicester, Birmingham and Gloucester.